This post is part 5 of a glimpse into my memoir from my upcoming book “The Apryl Michelle Brown Story.. More than a Body.” If you missed it, you can start from the first post “I Am Not Afraid Of My Greatness!!!
Thin as a rail I was called every “flat butt” name you can imagine: pancake butt, ironing board butt, white girl butt, Mexican butt, just to name a few.
That made me feel that something was wrong with me. It was my first felling of “not-enoughness”.
I will never forget this day.
I remember one hot humid summer day all the kids in the neighborhood were outside playing (as usual).
This young boy who could not have been more than 7 or 8 years old, (his name escapes me), looked at me and said, Michelle (the name my family and close friends call me) you have a butt like a white girl.
I looked at him, trying to comprehend what he was saying.
Although I had been teased in that same way by others, for some reason it felt different coming from him. It felt harsher.
Maybe because of the crush I had on him, before I knew what a “crush”was lol. Every time we played a game called, “house”, I would always choose him to be, “the daddy”, which meant I was “the mama”. Which ultimately meant we were married.
I remember standing and pondering in my 7-year-old mind, trying to figure out what was the “big problem” or should I say, the “small\flat” problem, considering my butt.
I didn’t understand what my butt was supposed to look like. “Whats wrong with my butt, I continued to ask myself?”
I remember running to a mirror raising my dress to look at my child’s body and I still didn’t see what he was talking about.
It wasn’t until a few days later, when we were all playing again. I heard an older boy (a 9-year-old) say: “I like Lisa (my sister), she got a big booty.” I turned around so fast to get a glimpse.
To my surprise, I noticed Lisa’s butt was shaped much differently than mine.
Prior to that day I had never noticed Lisa’s butt or anyone elses either.
She was only eight years old, but it was all peachy and round. She had a larger butt. I remember in that moment, I felt the bug of “not enoughness”
And as I grew older it germanited, stripping me of my enoughness, and gave me doubt about my wholeness.
Over those years a blueprint formed in my mind of how my butt should look.
From that moment, I would look at girls who had the peachy butt and say, “I want a butt like that”.
Not fully knowing, what “like that” really meant. All I knew was – if it looked like Lisa’s, it was “right” – If it looked like mine, it was “wrong”.
I created a mantra, that stated, “I am going to get a larger butt when I grow up.” I didn’t know that was even possible back then.
But I now know in my heart that this is where the idea of “not enoughness” started as a 7-year-old child.
Children are very impressionable like little sponges just waiting to soak up any information, good, bad, or indifferent.
This is why it is so important for us to be mindful of our words. Our words are powerful. They are powerful for us and for others (believe it or not).
We must share our stories because through our stories we create a map for them to understand that we are all capable of doing and feeling the same things.
It really helps others to know that they are not alone while experiencing life “challenges”. I am sure we all have a story to share that will help navigate a path for our youth, and for a lot of others too.
We are all inter-connected, as the drops of water, in the ocean. We are all reflections of each other.
We are one big ball of energy, this energy is positive and negative. And depending on were you “vibe” and who you vibe with determines how positive or negative you will be.
I can truly understand why children say mean malicious things to each other, most of the time they just don’t know any better. Many times they are mimicking what they have heard.
I don’t believe my generation has taken the time to mentor and share our stories with this “technology generation”.
Most of their information is coming from social media and reality shows.
God knows those are not the places for our precious future to learn compassion, strength, love, self-love, patience, and gratitude. And it’s truly unfair to them.
We are letting them down.
It’s too late. It is truly important for us to share our stories and be examples for them to look up to and learn from our mistakes and triumphs.
I have said myself, and heard many others say, ” Whats wrong with this generation, why are they so disconnected and cold?”. Where are their social skills?
My intentions for this book is to help us all to understand the nature of the beast called “not enoughness”, and how it is created, as well as the part we all play in the equation.
Anything that makes us look outside of ourselves for validation and make us feel, “not enough, is called the beast of not enoughness.”
What we are really searching for can only come from with-in us, and not with-out, us. I believe in the deepest pit of my soul that we are all searching for that “perfect” thing to make us feel whole/validated.
How did you overcome your “not enoughness”?