This post is part 3 of a glimpse into my memoir from my upcoming book “The Apryl Michelle Brown Story.. More than a Body.” If you missed it, start from the first post “I Am Not Afraid Of My Greatness!!!
All my life I knew I had something special to do on this planet.
I had this longing to believe that it was more to life than just being born to see if I could be ‘good’ enough to make it to Heaven or bad enough to burst Hell wide open.
According to the religious cult, I was raised in, it was going to be the latter for me.
They didn’t know that I had a secret attraction for girl’s (and not in a holy way) but being the, strong bold Spirit that I am owning (these days).
The reason I say “these days”, although I knew I had something special, I never owned it.
I have always found a way to down play my spirit, by calling it a personality, job, house, car, and any other thing I deemed it to be, but now I surrender to Spirit (use me spirit until you use me up).
I’ve had this great gift, called, insight.
I just knew things…I could see things…..I could feel things (I know you ask yourself, well why didn’t she see those 2 lethal doses of silicone coming)?
Just keep reading ( I have a heap to say about that).
I had no idea what this insight knowledge was about. Nor did I know why I would just know, feel and see things in people.
Through great triumphs and trials, I would learn that this great-gifted insight of knowing is called Spirit.
It has taken 47 years to really show up for my life (lawd knows it feels like 74 years…lol).
Although many would beg to differ, because it seems as though I have accomplished a lot. As well as three dermoid crystals removals, a bowel reconstruction (can’t wait to tell you more about that), hysterectomy, post traumatic stress (I was diagnosed in the 90’s, but never wanted to believe I had it), a breast reduction, silicone injections in my butt cheeks (on the black market).
My national anthem for so many years was India Arie’s chart bursting song, Video Girl.
I would belt that song out as if I wrote it myself. And guess what my favorite part was, “Don’t need no silicone, I prefer my own. What God gave me is just fine“.
Years of agonizing pain, three years of begging my HMO for help; four or five visits to the emergency room, two hospitals stays, staph infection with 24 hours to live, over 20 surgeries, 6 amputations.
If that’s not enough, how about having to face myself, my children, family, friends, enemies, frenamies, and let’s not forget about those cyber space thugs (they are by far the worst.)
I just realized the other day, that my hips are gone too (next book lol). The slice across my lip, the five month hospital stay and the physical challenges that I will face for the rest of my life.
All a by-product of me wanting a larger butt and getting silicone injections in my butt cheeks (you will understand, why I say, “by-product”, just keep reading).
Now… Let’s clear this up for the record.
Just in case anyone is confused about how this whole experience makes ME feel (on a human level). This IS the most embarrassing and most humiliating thing I have ever experienced to date.
But, I would contradict everything I have ever stood and stand for if I did not take this experience that can be viewed so negatively and use it to find a positive message to heal myself and to share with the world in hopes that no one else would ever have to lose as much (as I have) simply because I was looking for something outside of myself to validate me.
With that said, no-one ever has to ask me, “How I feel about that part“.
Now, there you have it. One more thing.
Remember when I said, I have gifted insight? I have known for a long time that I was supposed to share my story and my insights, many people have also told me over the years that I should write a book.
It took all of this turbulence, and of course some absolutely amazing God favorable things to happen in my life for me to finally humble my ego enough to surrender to Spirit.
I am ready to lift my voice for the world….for the human race…in hopes that my story will help someone.
One thing I know for sure, I am still here for an amazing purpose.
Maybe not for everybody but most definitely, for somebody.
I am not here to try to save the world, because that has to be a collective effort by all of us, but I am truly here to share with the world…
When you are given 24 hours to live, and you are still here at the 25th hour with life running through your veins, that is when you know for sure your work is not done. You still have something to do.
Please, if you don’t take anything else from this book, please take this:
We are all here for a purpose. I believe in my heart of truths that we actually choose these purposes, and when we are children we remember, but by the time we are adults we have been traumatized.. And all of that foresight has been stumped so low into our minds and bodies our spirit becomes weary. We sometimes forget that the spirit even exists. Most of us spend most of our time searching for a God outside of ourselves. There is nothing on the outside of us that will every truly validate us. It’s all an “inside Job”.
As I laid in the hospital knowing I would have to face the world, I would think to myself, “What am I left here to teach? Many things would come to mind.
I knew from the pit of my soul that it was finally an opportunity to be totally honest and open to my truth about all the things I had experienced in my life; use this opportunity/platform that was given to me in such a mysterious way.
So, with that said, this is my “disclaimer”.
This is another quote from my girl, India Arie “Don’t be offended, this is all my opinion. Ain’t nothing that I’m saying law. It’s a true confession, of my life learned lessons, I was sent here to share with y’all.”
So now that I have given you a little back story.
I would like to share my story with you, and to unfold the 40 million dollar answer to the question.
- Why did I allow someone who I did not know, who was not a doctor to inject something in my body, called Silicone?
- What was lacking in myself that would allow me to make such an extreme choice that caused me to lose so much?
Now, In order for me to answer this question for you, and for myself, I must go back to my roots.
I am a keen believer, that your past has a lot of the answers to your present (gift), and your future. But, I also believe that perception trumps all..So here is MY STORY, from “MY” perception.