My first real memory of myself, was around 4 or 5 years old.
Living in Pensacola, Florida, in a town called Lincoln Park with my mother, stepfather and my five siblings. My baby sister was a newborn.
Our home was always filled with so much joy, as only a new baby can bring.
I was a very peculiar child. I remember feeling like we lived in a mansion.
The house had four bedrooms, 2 baths and a den. A big front yard and backyard, beautiful flowers planted by my mother (she has such a green thumb).
To this day my mom has always had an incredible gift for decorating and designing. So, you can only imagine how beautiful this house was.
My fondest childhood memories, was in this house.
I have many memories that have left many interesting impressions on me from my childhood. Those memories have shaped me and the path that my life has taken.
I must have been around 5 or 6. It was Christmas Eve, the tree was decorated, we were all so excited because Santa was coming,
My mom even left out some warm cookies and a glass of cold milk for Santa.
I vowed that I was going to stay up all night. I wanted to see Santa and Rudolph.
Mama bathes us and prepared us for bed so we will be ready for Christmas day.
I was so excited about what Santa was going to bring us.
I was even more excited to get ready for bed, but not to go to sleep. Now I waited for everyone else to fall asleep, so I could finally see Santa and Rudolph.
Mama tucked me into bed and gave me a good night kiss.
I laid there with my eyes tightly shut without making a sound. Everyone was asleep. Finally, I could hear the rhythmic breathing of my oldest sister whom I shared a room with.
It worked. I played possum long enough for her to fall asleep. I creeped to the window, tiptoed past her bed, avoiding the creaking floor board.
Climbing on top of the dresser beside the window, I stared up in the sky for what seemed like an eternity.
Such a crisp clear night, I stared until the stars blurred like head lights in the sky.
For hours and hours I try not to blink in case I missed him.
Finally I heard Santa, ho, ho, ho and I swear I saw something flashed across the sky.
I got so scared because I didn’t want Santa to put pepper in my eyes if he caught me. Or worse, I would not receive my presents because I was being a really naughty girl.
So I jumped off the dresser, ran and jumped under the covers, and closed my eyes so tight until dawn.
The next thing I knew my brother ran into our room jumping in the air shouting Santa has been here!
We all ran out of our rooms into the living room.
Among them, my all time favorite toy: The green machine. Oh my god… This was and will always be my all time favorite toy.
The green machine (it was green of course), with black stripes, similar to a big wheel except with a lever in the middle. T
he objective was to pedal as fast as you can, then pull the lever and the green machine spun out of control.
As I pulled that lever, I felt so joyful, free and liberated, completely deliriously happy.
It was the happiest moment of my childhood.
We were so loved and that Christmas was truly magical.
Looking back at my life as a 47-year-old woman, I’ve only had fleeting glimpses of that feeling of Green Machine.
I must tell you that every time I experienced a glimpse, I have total peace and joy.
I’ve just re-found it.
I have spent so many years trying to find that green machine feeling and I now know that the feeling was pure spirit, at it’s finest.
- That feeling of being whole, perfect and complete.
- The feeling of total relaxation and comfort.
- That feeling of being supported.
- That feeling of trust.
Although that Christmas and the months following it somehow felt short-lived, that peace and comfort was about to be turned into a great fear, judgement, and anxiety.